You will hereby be considered one of my best friends!
Wowser, yowser. I sure dropped the ball from posting everyday in November to only three times total in December. Not that I'm surprised, Dec. always rushes by in a flurry and is there and gone faster than I can say Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious. (Sp?;) Know what I mean?
I have the absolute worst memory of all time so when I decided I wanted to recap 2009 I did a little sleuthing to help me along. I thought it would be fun to find a post I did exactly a year ago, which I am actually loathe to share after all of the incredibly embarrassing typos I discovered. (Which I of course could go fix if I felt like it, which I don't) Funny enough, this post was before I was even Momnerd, which is totally weird to me. This blog was still simplyscraptampsing which was a failed attempt at documenting my "talents". Ha. Ha. I was all ready to make changes to my blog and get into reviews and giveaways and become a BIG NAME out here on the net.
Wow, do things change. This blog started to grow, and I started to do more reviews and giveaways, but then with some of our life changes I just got burnt out, and I wasn't loving it anymore. So now I'm pretty much back to blogging what I want, when I want. And this is the way I can live with, even if it means I will never be a BIG NAME blog. I'm cool with that now.
Anyhoodle....on to the big recap. Hope you can bear with me. If not, no hard feelings. Really. I promise.
Okay, exnay on the igbay. I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. In 2009 I was finally content, we had decided to hunker down in Ferron for the long haul, and make it the place we'd raise our family. We had a fun trip to Cali in March which I blogged about, did an interview with my good blog friend (who is now an IRL friend) Seagull Fountain (formerly What About Mom), in which I extolled on the virtues and contentedness of my life and promised people I'd do interviews with them which I never did in the aftermath of the floor falling out from under me.
Looking back, it doesn't seem like THAT big a deal. That, and much much worse, happens to people every day. Losing a job is not a big deal. Except to me it was. I thought I was prepared for most anything. But it turns out I was a big fat scaredy cat. Faith was hard to find in the months that followed, I blush to admit. I think I lost a bit of myself, and for sure definitely I am changed.
Isn't there some saying that right when you think everything is going right is when you get knocked off your feet? Anyway, right when I'm in my funk I had people hurt my feelings, the twins turned two without much fanfare, they then proceeded to become more and more exhausting and insane as they progressed further into twodom (which has not gotten better, only worse), I went through the motions of all the things I needed to do in my life, without much enthusiasm and luster, feeling more and more distant from my town and the people in it. I was confused about my blog and what I wanted it to be, and just discovering how much I was changing, and how much I was not a happy person. Then we found a job! You would think this would have been a pivotal point but as I keep reading I realized I was still pretty much a shell of the happy Sharla I thought I was, and my darling little Roo turned 5.
June brought a frantic search for a place to live and for money to do it, and the craziness of packing, packing, packing. July first we moved. I had a rocky start falling on my face and losing my skirt. I didn't feel like I would fit in. (And funny enough, I have already had someone take their child out of my preschool, although I hope it's not because they don't like me.)
July and August brought unpacking and preparing for preschool. Finding a new job. And September, October, November and December flew by in a flash. My oldest turned nine, I turned 30. I have learned to love it where I live, people complaining to the cops and all. I feel like it's a good change. We have been blessed beyond measure.
So here is what I can't figure out..... I feel, I don't know, kind of empty I guess. I feel like I am going through the motions, surviving, doing what's necessary. But I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like at any moment I will not be able to stay afloat anymore. And I have no idea why. When I look at things logically, it all seems fine. More than fine.
I feel like I am two people. Most of the time I am the one in the water, treading water, happy as can be, things are fine. Life is good. But then I get this glimpse. I am outside, and I see myself there in the the water. Most of the time I am there under the water, I can't really see. But once in a while my head bobs above. And I get these little glimpses of clarity. Each strand of hair that floats above is a moment of clarity.
I have this potential that I can only catch glimpses of. I can't come close to realizing it yet. And it drives me mad. I'm tired of surviving. I want to be that woman I know I can be. That I know I am.
But I guess I'm just not that good of a swimmer yet.
Here's to 2010....praying that I can learn to swim. And praying that I will turn more to the One who can help carry me.