Saturday, January 2, 2010

If you actually make it to the end of this....

You will hereby be considered one of my best friends!

Wowser, yowser. I sure dropped the ball from posting everyday in November to only three times total in December. Not that I'm surprised, Dec. always rushes by in a flurry and is there and gone faster than I can say Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious. (Sp?;) Know what I mean?

I have the absolute worst memory of all time so when I decided I wanted to recap 2009 I did a little sleuthing to help me along. I thought it would be fun to find a post I did exactly a year ago, which I am actually loathe to share after all of the incredibly embarrassing typos I discovered. (Which I of course could go fix if I felt like it, which I don't) Funny enough, this post was before I was even Momnerd, which is totally weird to me. This blog was still simplyscraptampsing which was a failed attempt at documenting my "talents". Ha. Ha. I was all ready to make changes to my blog and get into reviews and giveaways and become a BIG NAME out here on the net.

Wow, do things change. This blog started to grow, and I started to do more reviews and giveaways, but then with some of our life changes I just got burnt out, and I wasn't loving it anymore. So now I'm pretty much back to blogging what I want, when I want. And this is the way I can live with, even if it means I will never be a BIG NAME blog. I'm cool with that now.

Anyhoodle....on to the big recap. Hope you can bear with me. If not, no hard feelings. Really. I promise.

Okay, exnay on the igbay. I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. In 2009 I was finally content, we had decided to hunker down in Ferron for the long haul, and make it the place we'd raise our family. We had a fun trip to Cali in March which I blogged about, did an interview with my good blog friend (who is now an IRL friend) Seagull Fountain (formerly What About Mom), in which I extolled on the virtues and contentedness of my life and promised people I'd do interviews with them which I never did in the aftermath of the floor falling out from under me.

Looking back, it doesn't seem like THAT big a deal. That, and much much worse, happens to people every day. Losing a job is not a big deal. Except to me it was. I thought I was prepared for most anything. But it turns out I was a big fat scaredy cat. Faith was hard to find in the months that followed, I blush to admit. I think I lost a bit of myself, and for sure definitely I am changed.

Isn't there some saying that right when you think everything is going right is when you get knocked off your feet? Anyway, right when I'm in my funk I had people hurt my feelings, the twins turned two without much fanfare, they then proceeded to become more and more exhausting and insane as they progressed further into twodom (which has not gotten better, only worse), I went through the motions of all the things I needed to do in my life, without much enthusiasm and luster, feeling more and more distant from my town and the people in it. I was confused about my blog and what I wanted it to be, and just discovering how much I was changing, and how much I was not a happy person. Then we found a job! You would think this would have been a pivotal point but as I keep reading I realized I was still pretty much a shell of the happy Sharla I thought I was, and my darling little Roo turned 5.

June brought a frantic search for a place to live and for money to do it, and the craziness of packing, packing, packing. July first we moved. I had a rocky start falling on my face and losing my skirt. I didn't feel like I would fit in. (And funny enough, I have already had someone take their child out of my preschool, although I hope it's not because they don't like me.)

July and August brought unpacking and preparing for preschool. Finding a new job. And September, October, November and December flew by in a flash. My oldest turned nine, I turned 30. I have learned to love it where I live, people complaining to the cops and all. I feel like it's a good change. We have been blessed beyond measure.

So here is what I can't figure out..... I feel, I don't know, kind of empty I guess. I feel like I am going through the motions, surviving, doing what's necessary. But I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like at any moment I will not be able to stay afloat anymore. And I have no idea why. When I look at things logically, it all seems fine. More than fine.

I feel like I am two people. Most of the time I am the one in the water, treading water, happy as can be, things are fine. Life is good. But then I get this glimpse. I am outside, and I see myself there in the the water. Most of the time I am there under the water, I can't really see. But once in a while my head bobs above. And I get these little glimpses of clarity. Each strand of hair that floats above is a moment of clarity.

I have this potential that I can only catch glimpses of. I can't come close to realizing it yet. And it drives me mad. I'm tired of surviving. I want to be that woman I know I can be. That I know I am.

But I guess I'm just not that good of a swimmer yet.

Here's to 2010....praying that I can learn to swim. And praying that I will turn more to the One who can help carry me.


  1. It's called a move/twins/job loss/and everything else all at once or pretty close exhaustion.

    If all you can do is tread water and survive, it will be enough. You will eventually come up for air. Hang in there.

  2. Your readers are still here, but you need to do what you need to do for yourself. Remember that each stroke you take, makes you stronger and when you are able to stay afloat, you will appreciate it more because of all the times you felt you were going under.

    Hang in there, I have a feeling 2010 will be the year lots of us get a break...good things are coming.

  3. Swimming along also, and lost my job last year also, but with no job replacement yet. I understand your duality, as I feel confident and very happy in some areas, and yet totally unaccomplished in other areas. I think the world as a whole is on uneven footing now, and I believe we are in for worse before better in this economy. I draw nearer to the Heavenly Father and try ever harder to know the path before me, as I believe there is a very hard road ahead for humanity. Hang in there!

  4. Hey Girl! Lindsay From the Christmas Party! Its sounds like 2009 was a bit stressful.. But I KNOW 2010 Will be a great year for you!! Have FAITH!! You seem like a great lady!! HUGS!

  5. Keep the faith and your head held high.. I guess I might be in the same slump as you:( People are ruthless, but your family loves you!!!!

    Keep blogging love your posts.. Missed them:)

  6. Hey Sharla,
    It's your sis-in-law, Heather. I finally put your blog on my favorites list! After reading this blog I feel I need to tell you somthing. In all of the years I've known you I've realized that you are an awesome person. You have so much talent. I admire you immensely. You've delt with a lot in the last year and you've done it with grace. You are a great mother and wife and a devoted friend. And yes, I do think you're good enough for my brother! : ) Cut yourself a little slack and just focus on the basics. They are all that really matter. Those who love you will understand that. Your family loves you, extended family included. You are a better swimmer than you realize!

  7. Some times I feel the same way, and I only have two monkeys to contend with. I really don't know how you accomplish everything that you do, I am in owe. It is no wonder that you feel overwhelmed. Being at home with the kids is the best and hardest task ever. It is hard to be isolated and responsible all of the time. I have a trick that helps me enjoy the craziness. Every day make a conscious choice to ENJOY some mundane task: bath time, dinner, cleaning up AGAIN... Try to picture it as creating a happy memory with your kids and do something to make it silly and more interesting(like singing a song, playing a rhyming game or eating by candle light.) This helps me to focus on what really matters: the kids and my sanity:) I think you're a great mom and I really admire you for the relationship you have developed with your kids, they KNOW that you love them:)

  8. I have been feeling the same way. I feel like our life is at a complete halt until Jon is done with school. It's tough.

  9. Sharla, I hope you have read all your comments. They all express what I feel about you! You are NOT just treading water. You are moving full steam ahead all the time. Under the same circumstances I would NOT have been working two jobs on top of raising four crazy boys. You are remarkable! I especially liked Heather's comment that all your family loves you! I know I do and you always make me feel like a queen when I visit. My birthday was fabulous because you are so selfless. Keep up the great job! and don't be so hard on yourself! Love MOM

  10. Wow! You are special! Your mom left U a comment on your blog!

    And of course you should already know you rock!

    A few things I MUST tell you about. MMB Conference in May. in Sandy UT!!!! May 27 and 28th. About 175 dollar conf. for the WHOLE 2 day conf. Please, pretty please go to the conference? I would LOVE to see you! I am really going to try and go.

    Also I am going to the LDstorymaker's conf. end of Apr. Apri 24th and 25th I believe. You want to write? You need to attend this conf as well and hang out with great authors and me of course.

    Keep swimming, Sharla. You are AWESOME! And I am lucky to know you. We both have one awesome thing in common. We both share an exceptional sister in law--Emily.;)

    Although HEather sounds AWESOME too!

    HAng in there kiddo. And thanks for the advice.

  11. I think we've all been there. Those feelings that you are having are the reason why people say being a stay at home mom is so difficult. Only, you are also a working mom.

    Becky was telling me how you have been a blessing to her, being her neighbor. I'm so jealous. Of course you know I would love to be Becky's neighbor, but how cool would that be to live by you too?! We have a lot in common. I think we'd be great friends, not just cousins!


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