Monday, May 18, 2009

I'm just a stranger in this town

I'm just a stranger in this town.
I don't belong here, there or anywhere.
The faces, smiles I knew before
are somewhere out beyond my door
I'm just a stranger in this town.

My walls no longer feel like home.
I see my things that don't mean anything
the happiness within,
seems to be wearing thin.
My walls no longer feel like home.

The things I touch just dissapear.
Or maybe they were never there.
These sticks and rocks and stone
are not what make a home.
I'll be just fine with you, my dear.

I totally just made that up right now. And I was even singing it. Yes, I'm a nerd. That's established.

I've been thinking today about how I don't even feel a part of this town anymore. I feel cut off from my friends and,well, basically from life. I know it's probably mostly in my head but I just feel like even though I'm still here I'm really already gone. This is the craziest busiest time of year, and I have been busy, but Ebug and Roo didn't sign up for T-ball ( I actually didn't even find out until after it had started) so we're not a part of that. There is already another lady who has fliers up to do preschool (and this town can only barely support one preschool teacher), we're not part of any plans for the summer or for next year and I just feel cut off from everything and everyone. I know I'm wrong but I feel like I don't matter anymore.

This last weekend was so nice and relaxing and rejuvenating. We went up for an interview and then visited my in-laws. I got a pedicure and was able to wander the mall for an hour by myself and then Eldon and I went to the temple which helped me most of anything. And then today life slammed back and things went to crazyville in no time flat. I won't trouble you with the details, I'm trying to be in no-whine mode, but it's been an exhausting day. Then to top it off I found out that two kids were sent home today for bullying Ebug and calling him names at school (funny side note: one of them was the son of the preschool teacher aforementioned) and I am ready to go bust some chops. The child just mentioned came over and apologized and Ebug didn't even seem to care that much but I am just trying not to let it bother me.

Emphasis on trying.

These next few weeks things should start happening, I hope. Thank you for bearing with me when I am late posting winners and contests and forget to blog about awards and I'm sure a bazillion other things.

You don't know what it means to me just to know you're reading.

Because that means you care.

P.S. To the one who keeps me up, who brings sunshine, who loves me through and through, faults and all. You know who you are. I love you.


  1. I feel like I can relate to not feeling like I'm part of this place anymore. Not that the people aren't still wonderful and friendly - a couple of friends brought me some goodies and heartfelt notes this last week, but knowing that I'm leaving - I just feel left out.

    I'm getting all teary eyed here. Change is good, but it's also difficult! Hang in there. Once you know where you're going things will start looking up!

  2. Wow I can really relate too. At least you have your family to give you a place of purpose, I don't even have that. I really have felt similar. Don't know where I should be, am too old to stay here anymore where all of my friends have moved on or are married. It's a good thing I have Heavenly Father who always is there to give me a place to belong. Maybe this is all happening to make the change easier on all of you. Love ya, hang in there.

  3. I have felt that way before, too. I have to "force" myself to be involved in the real world and not just cut myself off by living in my blog world. But sometimes the real world is just too stressful (9 months with no income and bills adding up is real stress!) and my blog is a friendlier place. Hang in there.

  4. I so agree with this. I hear of things all the time in our small little ward, and I wanna smack someone!

    Good luck with things.. Keep your head up!

  5. (((((hugs))))) don't be sad. it's such a pretty day! bloom! it's spring and you are alive!

  6. So sorry you're feeling down! Kira's been wanting to play, but it seems like we haven't been home for more than a half an hour at a time the last few days. Ugh. Hang in there. Things will get better :)

  7. I feel like I don't know where I belong anymore, either since my children have all moved out on their own. My most important job has always been being a Mom, so now I find myself having to figure out who I am without this. I talk to my kids pretty much every day, and I know they still need me, but I sure do miss having them here every day - most of the time, anyway =) Enjoy the "down time" and your family because there will be many more of their activities to keep you busy and socializing in the future. It flies by fast!

  8. I'm still here and I still care! I know how you feel about feeling like you don't matter. I feel that way sometimes too. Seriously, though, I think it is all in our minds.

  9. I finally got through to read it! I think my computer is having problems with viewing blogs, even mine.
    I am there with you girl. On just about everything, even just returning from a great trip!
    I was lucky to get off a blog this am. But, I don't have half the amount of things you have to do.
    Hope to hear soon how the interview went.
    Oh, and I have done the "talking to other parents" about their kids stuff. I usually found that the parents tried to be bullies themselves. Though I was never a bully, bullies would not bother me and if they ever tried with me, did not get far at all, and that is what the parents of bullies found. Usually they have problems being able to comprehend intelligence and it throws them off enough to back down out of utter confusion. I usually ask a lot of questions that are very simple yet leaves bullies the inability to answer or desire not to, yet, if they don't answer they look dumb and if they do answer, they look even more idiotic. Most times people would not know if they were coming or going after I was done, usually apologizing and trying to change the subject. I learned questions, ask a lot of questions, the right questions and people will pretty much tell themselves what you wanted to tell them. It is better when they say it, then hearing it from you.
    I remember when a kid was bullying Leah when she was in 5th grade and Mason was in 4th. Mason, ran up and jumped on this huge kid and took him down. (School bus driver watched the whole thing) He got in trouble, though he was protecting his sister, because of "No tolerance" law. But, we were proud that he stuck up for his sister who was hit with a rock by this kid. It is really nasty out there for the kids, and so hard for me to see my kids have to see what the real world is. You want to keep them from seeing the ugly side. Hopefully I taught them the best way to handle these situations, so they don't do the wrong thing, even if it does seem like the right way to handle it. Especially when it comes to self defense. So far, so good.
    Don't worry, you have so much on your plate and your real friends will bring you back "home" where ever you will be at what ever time, day or week it is. People are busy and soon will be visiting and corresponding with you. I know you will be missed if and when you move. But, it is like People when they would sell their homes. There would be a process they would go through, kinda like a divorce. Where they would finally deal with the break up of their relationship with their home and town. Plus friends, some you will still stay in contact with. Some not. It was usually ok, once they found their new home. But, They really had a hard time over leaving all the memories and friends down the block or at school. Then when they found their new home, they could not wait for the change, future. They knew things were going to be better in their new home, place and the plans for the huge change would over shadow leaving behind the present. It took time to find out where they were going and once they knew, they no longer felt lost or had as many problems with seperating from their current home town.
    Gosh, as a military brat we traveled every few years so I never had the opportunity to have any long term friendships like my kids had growing up their whole lives here. When Mason was a kid and we talked about moving, he would throw a fit and say he was NEVER moving from Bellingham. Then he got into High School and he could not get to College fast enough in Arizona! We will be lucky if he visits us for more then a week this summer! Sigh!
    Just know your friends and family will always take you home. The heart is where home is.

  10. Geez, I apologize for my long post!


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