Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Left feeling strangely empty

Tonight I met at the church with some other women to do crafts as part of our enrichment program. (The idea is to enrich our lives by learning new things and being together). I didn't actually do the crafts because I hadn't signed up and they were doing something I had done before, but it enabled me to focus on getting to know the other ladies.

I can't think of a single thing that anyone said or did that wasn't nice. In fact, they were all exceptionally nice. I enjoyed the conversation, I got to know a few girls, and I enjoyed myself. I hope I made a few friends.

But when I left, I felt strangely empty, and I have no idea why.

I've been sitting here in a funk trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with me. After all, I didn't lose my skirt, I didn't fall on my face, it was a good night. So what's the problem?

I can't say I've figured it all out but I think I am getting an idea. And I think it comes down to two things for me.

First, I think it's hard, and hurts, just a little, to start over. It's hard to not have people know you, strengths and weaknesses, and know who is going to still like you regardless. I was in a room with some amazing women, I could already tell that, and yet I still felt somehow alone. I am not one to sit back or not go, but I miss that feeling of unity. And I don't mean everyone getting alone perfect kind of unity, I mean more of a feeling of knowing each other. And accepting each other regardless. Although maybe it's even more amazing to feel accepted when people don't know me. And I did tonight.

Second, is the same thing I always struggle with. And that is myself. In my mind thoughts fly and flit around, essentially driving me crazy. And I plague myself with these questions:

Will they like me? Will I fit in? Will I be the nerd? Will I be the one nobody wants to get to know? Will I be overlooked? Am I annoying? Will anyone want to put their kids in my preschool? Will they put their kids in my preschool and then take them out because they don't like it? Will they see the inside of my house and the very very humble (thrift shop) furniture and see me as less? Will they think I'm a bad Mom? Will they judge me? Will they talk about me?

So silly, I know. And embarrassing to even admit. None of those things matter, they really don't. I know that. And actually, I'm much better now than I used to be. And honestly, I know there are people that thought those things of me and talked about me where I lived before. But the ones that didn't feel that way made it okay. I knew they loved me anyway. And maybe that's what I'm missing.

But they're still out there, right? It's just a matter of remembering that. And convincing myself that what people think doesn't matter.

I'm going to be me regardless. And even though I am good at finding my flaws, I kinda like me.


  1. You are too hard on yourself. You are easily liked and of course we miss you and will love you no matter what kind of falling or losing skirt accidents you have. Those are the girls night stories we can laugh at til our guts hurt!

    I'm glad everyone in the new place is nice. I'm impressed you are out trying to make friends already. That is the hard part of moving. I hope you find lots of good friends, just as long as they don't "replace" us here. ;)

  2. Ditto. Emily beat me to it.

    You'll be fine--you'll be around enough they'll have to get to know you :) And remember those first impressions don't always stick--you know what you thought of me when you first saw me right? Give it some time, keep smiling, you'll find some good friends there. :)

  3. Sharla remember you are never alone...if you have Christ. He lives in you and renews you, comforts you, carries you, and made you. He know you...all of you. Your humble furniture is a great quality that you are not materialistic. It may be because of lack of income to replace them...but in that you have humility. A great quality that is far from the norm anymore. Please work hard to relatin it...whole heart in it. You have always been a friend to the ones around you...at least that is what I remember from our childhood. You befriended me when my family changed wards and I felt left out...because I was a nierd. You are a nierd only because of the little mishaps that happen here and there. That does not define you at all. If people so choose to judge you on you falling to the ground on your face and your skirt dropping to your ankles...then they have to face God about it. We will be judges how we judge others and given mercy on our mercy given to others. Chin up. You will know new people soon in a more intamite way...their faults and your faults will all be tools to comfort each other and encourage that you are only human and full of faults, just sinful in nature. If it was not for Christ (GOD HIMSELF) coming to sacrifice HIMSELF so that we may be with Him in heaven...then we would just be filthy sinful people going no where but to hell and damnation. You are loved by God always as all of us are. Remember that and you will never be alone in any cercomstance. With love always. MaLinda

  4. Sharla, I so know what you're going through right now. The other day I was thinking about my old library and felt so empty and homesick for it. Crazy! But I longed for the familiarity of the places I knew.

    I guess I'm longing for my old life - I knew where things were, I knew how things worked, I knew who my friends were, I felt in control.

    My old friends' used to fill my cup, and now that I'm gone I, too, feel empty. But the new people in my life are trying to fill my cup - I think it's just a new flavor and it will take a while to get used to it!

    Hang in there (we have no choice) and it won't be long before we're "at home" in our new home!

  5. Wow for a moment I thought I wrote this post. ;-) I have that same problem, my thoughts driving me crazy even though deep down I know what's important. I know it's about God and not about me. I still feel like I'm looking down at the whole picture and seeing this messed-up girl (I'm 26 but inside I still feel like everyone is looking down on me for some reason, lol)... anyway, this is getting too detailed. lol I just wanted you to know you're not alone, we all think these things when we go to new churches or get together with other people. :-) I'm sure you'll make friends fast... You probably already have, like you said!

  6. Amen! Seriously constantly fighting the same battle in my mind. When I accept that there are always those kinds of people and then just like you said i need to be true to my self/have confidence in who I am, and spend more time with people who are just real...like you. Seriously. When i got home last night i told the Hubby that I found a new friend and (if we can squeeze it in the budget) a great pre-school to put our boyz in. I'm not saying that just to be nice. I'm horrible at flattery, and don't say anything i don't mean. Seriously glad i met you.

    I'm not a girly girl or a "Mom of the Year" and that was never (and will never be) my goal. I grew up hanging out with the guys playing sports 24/7. So even going to ladies craft night is a huge deal for me. Call me whenever for whatever. We'll be out of town next week but after then schedule is wide open. You and the boys can come play in the splash park. - Krystal Patterson

  7. truthfully, I could have written this.
    I have written this. I mean, sure, the details were different... a few words were changed- but that pit inside, which isnpired this, I think it is twin to yours.

  8. Soon you will remember that you are the worst when it comes to making such judgements against yourself. And if anyone does happen to try and pass any against you, then they themselves have proven that they are not so perfect either, and you can welcome them and their faults as they will yours.

    Change is so hard, and then hoping to be accepted for who you are all over again is even harder. But, you know you rock every bodies world when you come into their lives, according to me and everyone here. So, smile and be patient, the tidal wave will soon be here and you will be drowning in all kinds of friendships and activities!

  9. Ah, sweetling! I was you not too long ago! Thought the thoughts, walked the walk. But since my husband died a strange peace has come over me. No one can "get" to me now. I am my own spirit. I OWN my own soul and I see that in you, my friend. It's growing ever so slowly in the deep, calm river that is you. When it emerges you will light up like a firefly in the knowledge that YOU matter. The skirt? Humbling and a story that I will tease you about for eternity. Breathe in the green of the leaves, the blue of the sky, the sweet angel breath of the sleeping child. The answers are all around you, like invisible mists that swirl and fly. You can't touch it, but it's there. The secret scared smiles that grace your lips? Just think! How grand! Each person you encounter is one more connection that you will delight in on The Other Side. For you already know their souls. You just can't remember right now. But you will! For now? Accept one of Heavenly Father's Greatest Gifts-"the peace that passeth understanding". Faithfully, Cathy

  10. We're about to move for the 18th time. This will be the FIRST time we've moved within Ward boundries.
    I had a very special confirmation that the Lord has known about each of the moves, and has had His hand in the process. Take courage, you will feel at home soon. :)

  11. I'm new to your blog. This is the first post I've read and I like you already. :) I've lived in the same city for over 20 years, went to the same church (until recently) for over 20 years and I still feel the way you described. My problem is that I'm a bit of a hermit and it's hard to make friends when you just want to sit at home and look at blogs and sew and crochet but I'd love to have a circle of friends that liked to do that, too, and we could sit in each other's homes and do that. I guess that's why blogging is such a wonderful outlet for me. It's kind of like being alone yet together. lol

  12. It doesn't matter what people think about you. The only thing that matters is what YOU think of yourself. Focus on that more. If you love yourself, it will never matter what somebody else thinks. If you are worried about it, you probably need to focus on loving yourself. Maybe that is what you are missing...:( Life it too short to care about what others think of you and it is too draining to let it affect you. Be yourself...that is who we all love. If they don't like you they are A: Jealous B: Uncomfortable with themselves C: Judgmental and they are no fun to be friends with anyhow. LOL I am sure they all liked you fine.


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