When I want to give up

Do you ever have something happen or have somebody say something that really makes you take a step back and look at yourself? I mean really. look.

I had that happen today. And what I'm seeing is.....well....not great. I guess it's easy for me to know my own heart, and to know my own intentions, and to know that I am the kind of person that would never ever ever intentionally lie to somebody or do something to upset them or hurt their feelings. At least not intentionally. I really do (or maybe did) believe that I try to see the best in people, and give them the benefit of the doubt, and cut them some slack for goodness sakes.

But there are three things I've realized.

1. Not everyone who knows me believes or knows that of me. Some people actually believe I would lie to them. On purpose. For whatever reason.

2. I do not treat myself the way I treat others, or at least how I perceive that I treat others. I lie to myself. I am always telling myself things that hurt me and upset me (okay, and maybe satan is helping a little in that aspect), I don't cut myself any slack.

3. There are people who see me exactly the way I do. And that makes me wonder if maybe I am that person.

So why bother? Why do anything? Why even try? When I'm going to fail and fall short of not only my expectations but of those who have expectations of me as well, why, oh why do I try? Not only why do I try but why should I even care if I try or not?

What. is. the. point?


But the point is this. There is One who sees me through and through, front to back, inside and out. And you know what? He still loves me. He wants me to keep trying. He forgives me when I fail. He knows my heart.

Does that mean I shouldn't keep trying to be better?

No.

But it does mean that right now when I don't even feel like I can try, it's okay.

Because He's here to carry me.

In a funk.....

So maybe you have noticed that it's Thursday and I haven't posted since Monday? Or maybe not..... I don't know how anyone has time to read this, I can't seem to find the time to brush my teeth lately. (so gross.....of course I still brush them.....but you know what I mean.)

I am in such a funk. I don't want to do anything, I can't get excited about anything, I just feel so.....blah. I wish spring would just come for real already and I wish we'd just get a job so I know what the heck we're doing. I think I told you we had three interviews. We've only heard back from one so far and they told him he was their #2 choice and that he did everything right. And then we found out today that a retired college professor got that job, so not big shocker there that we didn't. Plus that one was in a place that I didn't want to move so I'm not too sad about it. But still...

I know that things will work out. But this waiting game is a pain. And I feel so guilty because I have no passion or motivation for anything in my life. I'm ready to be done with preschool and piano and my calling and all the other responsibilities I have here. But that's lame too because for one I need the money, and two, I can't fink out just because I'm in a funk. So lame.

My twins are turning 2 on Monday and I haven't planned a single thing. I guess we'll have a cake or something that night but do you see what a slacker I am right now?

So I need some advice. What can I do to get out of my funk? Any suggestions for last minute birthday ideas?

Because I obviously need help.

I'm starting to wonder if this is just one more way for me to feel bad about myself.

I was feeling okay. Until I had THREE people unsubscribe today. *Edited to add: I did not lose FOLLOWERS, I lost email subscribers. Which means they had to purposely go and unsubscribe from me. * What is up with that?! I can't deal with that right now. I want to not have subscribers just so nobody can unsubscribe and send me into the throes of sadness and self pity. I know, ridiculous.

You know that I try to stay upbeat and positive, right? I really try. But the last few days have been so, so hard for me. I am able to see my blessings, yes, but I have been spending the majority of my time trying to stay upbeat, and I'll admit, generally failing miserably.

And it's not just the job thing. It's like I was hanging by a few threads before and now there's just one really thin thread left. And I swear one minute I'm okay and the next I'm ready to pull out my hair and start banging my head against the wall. I think I'm a good person. I am a reasonably sane person. I would honestly do anything for anyone if it would help them. I love my children. I have a testimony. I know who I am, where I came from, where I am going. I know that I will be with my family forever.

So why on earth can I not. get. it. right?? Why can't I get things together? Why can't I do all of the things I know I should? Why can't I have a day like The Happy Housewife instead of reading her post and getting an even stronger impulse for head bangage? (yes, yes, not a word)
I don't want to read a post like that. I want to read about people who are as imperfect as I am. Yes, I'll admit it, I want to be justified in my unperfectness. (another non word, you know this already) But I am glad that she has figured out what works for her, I DO want people to be happy. I just don't understand why I seem to be so......lacking.

And my wonderful readers, you don't even have to say anything for me to know what you'll say. I know in my head that I do a lot, and that I'm a good mom and a good person. I just don't seem to believe it all the time. So here's the thing. I am happy. And last week, I was happy. Being that perfect person I can only see in distant dreams is not the key to happiness. But I have this dumb problem with blaming myself when something goes wrong. It's illogical, especially in this case. But I still can't shake it any more than I can this cold.

So you, if you're reading this, can you do me a favor? Please? I know that you'll read this and you'll want to reassure me, and I love you for that. But in your comments on this post can you tell me instead what made you smile this week? Can you tell me something good that happened to you? Can you tell me what makes you happy to be alive? That's what I need to hear.

Oh, and please, if you don't mind, could you not unsubscribe? Or subscribe if you haven't yet?

Thanks.

And then the floor falls out from under you

Do you ever take a good look around you and think this is too good, it can't possibly last? I have thought that often, especially this last year. And guess what? I was right.

I told myself I wouldn't write about this until I could stop the tears. But that's not going to happen. I just have to laugh after reading my last few posts, I definitely see some irony. Let's note a couple of things I've said specifically....

First bit of irony(from this post) in regards to the recession: I can't say that it has really affected us personally. Except to just freak me out. To be perfectly honest I don't pay that much attention to it. I pretty much never watch the news. I have the hide your head under a blanket and pretend everything is good philosophy. (ha...ha....idiot)

And the next bit of irony(from this post): I also realized that I am so glad that life has taken me where it has. In this little Utah town that I hated so much at first and now love. With this little family that came quicker than I originally planned but that I love fiercely, and tenderly. And here is where I belong.
For now........ (perhaps the for now was a premonition?)

Can anybody see where this is going? Well, except for those of you that already know. We live in a small town so anyone within 30 minutes will already know. I'll cut to the chase. My husband was informed today that his teaching contract will not be renewed for the 2009-2010 school year. Yup, August will be the last month that we will get a paycheck. No matter what happens at this point we will be moving because we can't live here without a job and there are no jobs here. Of course, there aren't really jobs anywhere, are there?

I have a million things running through my mind. I'm angry, scared, depressed, overwhelmed, emotional, you name it. I want to scream and kick the wall (ouch) and shake my fist at the people who did this to us! I'm mad that they told the other two teachers yesterday so I thought we were safe and then told us today, the day that Eldon is gone all afternoon and evening at Honor Band (of all things)!! I want to kick and scream and cry!

But I'm not going to. Instead I am going to list my blessings. And I am going to have faith that everything will work out as my Father in Heaven intends. It may get worse before it gets better, but we'll make it through.

• We still get a paycheck through August. Thank goodness it's not a month's notice, I know that's all many other people get.
• We have our health.
• We have the gospel.
• We have food to eat. (for now)
  
• We have a home to live in. (for now)
  
• We have wonderful family and friends that I know would never let us go without the last two blessings.
• There are many people here that don't want us to leave. (and if there are some that do I don't know about it)
  
• We have each other.
• We got a pretty good tax return, although that laptop I was really hoping to get with our tax return and the 10 year anniversary cruise we were saving up for are definitely out of the question now.
• We have our freedom.
• They were nice enough to not tell us until after our vacation so that wasn't ruined or canceled.
  
• And I can still blog, no matter where I am. Unless we're living in our car.
  

Life is pretty good, isn't it?

And no matter where you live if you hear of any band teacher openings please let me know!

And if you love me please go back and read my last few posts and comment on them. I need some love.

*sniff*...........*sniff*.........I'm not crying, I promise.

I knew it was going to happen. I knew it. I just knew it.

I knew that one of these days it would catch up to me. It was too good, it could never last.

The euphoric days would end, I knew this.

I can't be hurt, it's not fair. I do the same thing to countless others, and yet I don't see them crying..... of course I can't usually see them either......

I read this post by my dear friend Jane who I have known for what seems like forever, although it's been since about November. And when I read this post I remember thinking that I wish I could get close to as many comments as her........ but also feeling like I would be happy if I could get one or two. Looking at my latest posts I see 5.......11.......53....... really not too shabby in the commenting area.

But here I am. Lost. Sad. Lonely. Wondering why I can't stop checking my email to see if I have any comments. Do they care anymore? Am I just too boring now? Was the pink too much and they've all gone blind?

It's ridiculous. And I know why this has happened. I began to rely too much on comments for validation.

As Jane says: "Blogging is similar to stay-at-home motherhood in some unfortunate ways. Stay-at-home motherhood, is, at times, unsatisfying because it doesn’t always seem like a real job. It’s the same with blogging. Which is why comments and ad revenue and bloggy friends to talk with and site traffic are important. (And why the lack of any one of these things can be very, very discouraging)."

You have to read her whole post because I am relating with it way more than I did when she first wrote it.

So the moral of this post is not to make you comment out of pity.......it is to say that I appreciate you for reading, even though life is crazy and most of the blogs I subscribe to I have to delete with a glimpse because I just don't. have. time. I wish I did. I really truly do. And I'm sorry if I don't get to your blog as often as I should. Or comment as often as I should.

Love me anyway?

Do you have a blog? How do you feel about comments? If you read me tell me and I will list you under my blogs that I must read!

Have a good night......*sniff*.........I'm fine now.....really.

Do I look ticked off?

I had about five posts written in my head this week. I want to share with you the books I've read, and tell you about the one crafty thing I did (and actually on a Wednesday), I wanted to tell you about how all of my "memes" have come true, including stepping on that fated toy and falling and getting a gash in my knee (geesh).

But instead I have to tell you about what ticked me off today. So if you're looking for sunshine and flowers that's not me, at least not today, at this moment. But I think after I blow steam a little I might feel better and be ready to recite a sonnet. (or not)

I have been married for almost ten years. I have been a mother for 8 years. I have lived in a home (although still renting, ugh) for about 5 years. And yet today was my first experience with a door to door salesman, and a crafty vacuum one at that.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, perhaps a bit naive and gullible at times but I'm not a stupid person. And that's why I can't figure out how he got in my door. He showed up earlier today, shortly after I had walked in the door from learning to start fires with emergency fire starting stuff (and then roasting hot dogs on said fire). I was trying to get kids down for a nap and de-mudified and was a wee bit frazzled, just to give you a little background. He hands me this paper and then starts talking so I can't even read it. He tells me that he is shampooing one room for free in our neighborhood. He drops a few names (which I don't know), and proceeds to emphasize the "free" cleaning, he's done it for many of my neighbors, blah blah blah. I keep asking questions to try to find out what he's "selling", but he evades every question. Seriously, looking back it was very crafty. He sets up a time to come (when hubby is home, too) and leaves.

Now, here are the warning signs that I didn't notice until later:
1) He never gave me his name, I still don't know his name. But I understand better now maybe why he didn't give his name or contact info.

2) When he came to my door the first time he did not say what company he represented nor did he tell me what he was selling. When he left I had the impression he worked for some carpet cleaning company and assumed that they were just showing me what they could do so I'd hire them someday to do my whole house. Seriously, that's how much he avoided telling me what it was about.

3) I asked him if they sold them and he said something like "Well, yeah, when your vacuum dies we hope you might consider ours."

Looking back, I'm lucky he wasn't some kidnapper or molester or something trying to find out if I was home alone or something.

So he comes back later and I'm doing piano lessons so I send him down to the preschool to shampoo the carpet and that's when things get weird. (Oh, and Eldon wasn't home yet)

So this guy (just your average looking guy, no horns) is like oh, you're supposed to be down here while I do this. So I hurry upstairs and call Eldon and tell him to get here fast.

He does his whole shpeal, and I admit, he's good at making it look good, and then we tell him thanks but no. He uses every annoying and dishonest tactic in the book. He makes us feel guilty, he emphasizes that many of our neighbors have bought one and paid for it straight out. He plays Eldon and I against each other. He talks about how he only needs to sell 6 more to go on a much needed vacation with his family. He tells me that he doesn't make any money unless he sells the vacuum. He emphasizes that my children and preschoolers are touching that CRAP that is all over every surface in my house that this amazing vacuum/shampooer can eliminate.

So at one point my husband is telling him no again and he looks over at me and says: "Aww, look at your wife's face" like I was sad or something. I wanted to get in his face right then and tell him that I wasn't sad, I was pissed, and at him, not my husband. But of course I don't because I'm just not like that. (even if sometimes I wanna be)

Then I use my babies as an excuse and come upstairs and find out later that when Eldon first talked to him he said there was no way we could afford it and this guy said:"that's not what your wife said." WHEN did I say that??

So I hate to say it but if you come to my door with these vague "free" deals or some such crap you better turn around, because I'm not going to sit there and have you try to manipulate my sympathies.

And yet what does it say about me that if I was alone I don't think I could have said no? Thank goodness for Eldon.

So how was your day?