Motherhood.....what's logic got to do with it?

My Mom Logic

Mother. Mom. Mama. Yep, that's me. Tried and true, til' I'm blue, through and through.

But those two words together.......mom....and logic? Isn't that an oxymoron?
Okay, maybe just in my world.

I think I'm a fairly logical kind of gal...I don't feed my kids motor oil, I don't keep them in the basement in chains, they don't run around naked and unfed.
(Well, not usually anyway on that last one.)

But my question is this......does having logic, being logical, what have you.....does that mean you have to have a brain? Because the biggest casualty of motherhood is the loss of wrinkles in my gray matter. Maybe they're jumping from there to my face. Hmmmm??

I'll answer my own question.

No.

I may forget a soccer game but I don't forget the bedtime kiss.

I may forget to remind Ebug of scouts but I never forget to say I love you.

Roo may stay in his jammies until noon but only because we were too busy being silly and playing together.

The twins are often covered in dirt head to toe and look like they live in a ditch, but that just means they were getting fresh air and were as happy as little piggies playing in the mud.

I have four boys. They call me Mom, or Mommy, or Mama.

And if there is one thing they know.

If there is one thing they can never, ever doubt.

It's that I love them.

And for me, there's nothing more logical than that.




(Note to my readers: this is my entry post into the Mom Logic Mother of All Bloggers contest. They will pick the top ten and then I will let you know if I am one of them and if you can vote for me. Thank you to those that nominated me!)

When I want to give up

Do you ever have something happen or have somebody say something that really makes you take a step back and look at yourself? I mean really. look.

I had that happen today. And what I'm seeing is.....well....not great. I guess it's easy for me to know my own heart, and to know my own intentions, and to know that I am the kind of person that would never ever ever intentionally lie to somebody or do something to upset them or hurt their feelings. At least not intentionally. I really do (or maybe did) believe that I try to see the best in people, and give them the benefit of the doubt, and cut them some slack for goodness sakes.

But there are three things I've realized.

1. Not everyone who knows me believes or knows that of me. Some people actually believe I would lie to them. On purpose. For whatever reason.

2. I do not treat myself the way I treat others, or at least how I perceive that I treat others. I lie to myself. I am always telling myself things that hurt me and upset me (okay, and maybe satan is helping a little in that aspect), I don't cut myself any slack.

3. There are people who see me exactly the way I do. And that makes me wonder if maybe I am that person.

So why bother? Why do anything? Why even try? When I'm going to fail and fall short of not only my expectations but of those who have expectations of me as well, why, oh why do I try? Not only why do I try but why should I even care if I try or not?

What. is. the. point?


But the point is this. There is One who sees me through and through, front to back, inside and out. And you know what? He still loves me. He wants me to keep trying. He forgives me when I fail. He knows my heart.

Does that mean I shouldn't keep trying to be better?

No.

But it does mean that right now when I don't even feel like I can try, it's okay.

Because He's here to carry me.

What else could I possibly talk about today?

I don't know how to find the right words. How do you accurately describe what you want to whisper to each person you love, and shout from every mountaintop?

The warmth. The knowledge. The tears.

Any combination of letters I put together, it just won't be enough.

It's so easy to get caught up in life, the everyday things. Stress, obligations, bills, the constant needs of my family, and so much more. Always vying for a place. And so often there is not enough room.

But today, especially today, I closed my mind just a little.......I let a few things go. I took that space that I always keep open for Him and let it fill.


My cup runneth over.

My friends, my family, my readers. By now I hope you know me fairly well. Silly, insecure, fun, a good person. (and if you don't think those things you probably already unsubscribed ;) But this is something I have to share. It is such an important part of who I am.

I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father (God). I know that He loves me, more than I could ever ever imagine. I know that I lived with Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, before I was born. I was born to wonderful parents on this earth. I know that life here on earth is a test, and that how I live my life will determine whether I can live with my family, my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ again.
I am very very far from perfect. But the Savior died for me, and all of us. He paid the price so that we can repent and become perfect.
I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. I believe that there is truth in all churches that believe in Christ. But they are missing a few elements that were part of the Gospel that Christ set when he was here on the earth. And those have been restored. I know that there is a living Prophet today that leads and guides Christ's church in His name. His name is Thomas S. Monson.
I know that my family will be together forever. Today at church I was able to hear both of my parents testify of what they believe. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure. I know that I am loved, unconditionally, more than I could ever imagine.

I believe and know a lot of things. And even without the right words, I could go on and on...

But I will use the words of this song to try to express how I feel, today.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me.
Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified.
That for me a sinner He suffered He bled and died.

Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me.
Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Happy Easter.

Just what I needed to read today.....

"If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next."You may think you don't have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us (see D&C 46:11–12). The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter."What you create doesn't have to be perfect. . . . Don't let the voices of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Happiness, Your Heritage," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 119

And then the floor falls out from under you

Do you ever take a good look around you and think this is too good, it can't possibly last? I have thought that often, especially this last year. And guess what? I was right.

I told myself I wouldn't write about this until I could stop the tears. But that's not going to happen. I just have to laugh after reading my last few posts, I definitely see some irony. Let's note a couple of things I've said specifically....

First bit of irony(from this post) in regards to the recession: I can't say that it has really affected us personally. Except to just freak me out. To be perfectly honest I don't pay that much attention to it. I pretty much never watch the news. I have the hide your head under a blanket and pretend everything is good philosophy. (ha...ha....idiot)

And the next bit of irony(from this post): I also realized that I am so glad that life has taken me where it has. In this little Utah town that I hated so much at first and now love. With this little family that came quicker than I originally planned but that I love fiercely, and tenderly. And here is where I belong.
For now........ (perhaps the for now was a premonition?)

Can anybody see where this is going? Well, except for those of you that already know. We live in a small town so anyone within 30 minutes will already know. I'll cut to the chase. My husband was informed today that his teaching contract will not be renewed for the 2009-2010 school year. Yup, August will be the last month that we will get a paycheck. No matter what happens at this point we will be moving because we can't live here without a job and there are no jobs here. Of course, there aren't really jobs anywhere, are there?

I have a million things running through my mind. I'm angry, scared, depressed, overwhelmed, emotional, you name it. I want to scream and kick the wall (ouch) and shake my fist at the people who did this to us! I'm mad that they told the other two teachers yesterday so I thought we were safe and then told us today, the day that Eldon is gone all afternoon and evening at Honor Band (of all things)!! I want to kick and scream and cry!

But I'm not going to. Instead I am going to list my blessings. And I am going to have faith that everything will work out as my Father in Heaven intends. It may get worse before it gets better, but we'll make it through.

• We still get a paycheck through August. Thank goodness it's not a month's notice, I know that's all many other people get.
• We have our health.
• We have the gospel.
• We have food to eat. (for now)
  
• We have a home to live in. (for now)
  
• We have wonderful family and friends that I know would never let us go without the last two blessings.
• There are many people here that don't want us to leave. (and if there are some that do I don't know about it)
  
• We have each other.
• We got a pretty good tax return, although that laptop I was really hoping to get with our tax return and the 10 year anniversary cruise we were saving up for are definitely out of the question now.
• We have our freedom.
• They were nice enough to not tell us until after our vacation so that wasn't ruined or canceled.
  
• And I can still blog, no matter where I am. Unless we're living in our car.
  

Life is pretty good, isn't it?

And no matter where you live if you hear of any band teacher openings please let me know!

And if you love me please go back and read my last few posts and comment on them. I need some love.

They love me. They really love me. *sniff*

I am pretty well rendered speechless. Honestly. That look of love you see right up there? From me to you.

39 comments on my last post and it's not even a giveaway?!

I'll be honest, fair readers. I was afraid that people had come to this awesome blog because of my $50 giveaway, and left when it was over. Forever........

I've been losing subscribers faster than gaining in the last couple of weeks and I have this bad habit of noticing the stats on other blogs. And of course comparing.

But I learned a very valuable lesson from this. Wanna know what it was? huh? Doya?

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. I already knew it didn't matter. In my head I knew. I was basically throwing a little pity party for really no reason at all. Actually, I'll be honest, I was looking for validation. I am the kind of person who likes validation. (of course, who isn't really?)

Anyway, (why do I ramble so successfully?) what I learned is that it isn't the comments that matter. It's knowing that I matter to somebody that matters. And yes, I know, I have 5 somebody's right here at home that I matter a lot to. And they are so easy to love, and they love me so easily. But I've come to realize that I don't really blog for me. Maybe I should, but I don't, not really. Yeah, free stuff, reviews, giveaways, etc. are fun but why I really blog is because I want to reach out to at least one person (and hopefully more) and make them feel a little better about themselves and life. (even if it is just by comparing themselves to my nerdy self).

So as long as one person reads this. And as long as one person gets something from it. I'll keep writing.

Although I'll admit, I do still love comments!

P.S. On Monday we are going to Cali to see my brother Jay's big art show for his Master's Degree and we are staying for the week. Very excited!!! I will still have a giveaway next week but if you don't hear from me much that's why! I'll let you know how it goes when I get back. (or while I'm there if I can sneak on his computer. Boy I need a laptop!)

P.S.S Michele, did you see the picture of my future star up there? Just as long as he doesn't choose American Idol! ;)

One of those days.....

Wish it was the weekend Wednesday

Remember my "memes"? Boy, have they all come true. And I do wish it was Friday. This is already one of those days......

I'm tired. We even had a three day weekend last weekend but today I just feel down to the bone, can't do another thing, tired. I just want to go back to bed, ya know?

I've got a fever, I'm hot and cold at the same time, and my hands are shaking. I have preschool today, then piano, and I'm trying to decide if I should reschedule or just muck through it. I hate rescheduling, I can't stand letting people down. I despise being sick. I don't have time for it, ya know?

A while ago on the news they had a little "tester" where they switched over to digital tv so you'd know if you were ready or not. According to the test we were fine, we still had tv. So why did all of our channels go blank yesterday if we were supposedly fine? Luckily we don't watch much TV but now I'm definitely going to miss Lost tonight. It's just annoying, ya know?

My house is a disgrace. If you saw it you would cringe. I need to clean, I hate to clean but I've just got to do it. But I'm just so tired. And my laundry....well, we won't even go there. I like blogging, and reading blogs, and I love my new job at The Giveaway. But it's so easy to do those things instead of laundry or cleaning. So..... so.... incredibly, mind numbingly easy, ya know?

My life is amazing. Do I really have a single thing to complain about? No. Am I blessed beyond belief? Yes. Are there things I should be doing that should be so so easy? Yes. But do I do them? No. Do I feel like there is this weight bearing down on me that I can't get off of me? Yes. But do I also know of One who can help bear my burden, as imagined as it may be? Yes. And I know it's time to turn to Him.

Just in case you were wondering....

Hey, you! Yeah.....YOU. You know, the one reading this.

I may or may not know who you are. If I do I'm glad and if I don't I'm sad.

But I want to tell you something. I am glad that you are here. I appreciate you reading this. I appreciate you taking the time out of your hectic day to stop here, if even for a moment, to read what I have to say.

I am a blog addict. There, I admit it. I love to read what others have to say. Since I am a blog addict I also know what I like. I'm not sure if I'm writing yet at the same caliber as a few of my favorite writers, (actually, I know I'm not). But I am trying to find a balance between giveaways and "business" so to speak, and good writing.

Good writing to me is when the words I am reading feel like they're coming straight from my soul. I get tingles, or teardrops, or nearly peeing my pants laughter on the floor because, well, I get it. You know what I mean? It's that "that is so true!" moment.

My blog has been growing over the last few weeks and I didn't anticipate what would happen. I really didn't. I should have, I've seen warning signs, but now I'm hooked and I don't know how to ever turn back. (nor do I want to)

But it could be a problem.

You see, I have been soaking up the comments. It's like drinking a warm cup of hot chocolate while sitting around chatting with friends. Even though in reality I'm (still) in my pajamas and there is spilled cereal on the floor, and a to do list that is a mile long (and growing by the minute).

A quick time out: here is a little test to see how many people are actually reading my posts and to thank those that do. It's a giveaway. I don't know what I'm giving yet but it will be really good. Like an mp3 player or a Vado video camera or something. Once a random winner is chosen I will talk with them and we will pick a prize together. It may even be cash. We shall see. All you have to do is leave me a comment (on this post or any other post until the end of this month) and somewhere in there slip this word: LOVE. If you leave a comment and I see that word I will know that you have entered this giveaway and that comment will be put into a hat. On February 28 I will have my son draw out a winner. You don't get the usual extra chances because this is kind of a secret but you have multiple chances by leaving comments on my posts for the rest of the month. You game? It will be interesting to see who plays. Most of my giveaways are to drive traffic here but this is my way of saying thank you to my readers. I hope you have fun playing and good luck!

Back to regular programming: So once again, thank you. I am just one Mom out there, trying to make a niche for herself, doing what she loves, and trying not to permanently damage her children with her overflowing amounts of notperfectness. (yes, that's a word because I say so)

But you know, none of that matters. Not really. All that matters to me is that I am making YOU feel that way, and in the process, myself. I know I can't be witty or a genius every day (or any day for that matter). But when you come here I want you to feel like you're visiting a friend. And that just for a while you can kick off your shoes, or be in your pajamas, and be a Mom (or Man, Woman, whatever) with copious amounts of notperfectness. (stinking red line, that is SO a word, and yes, I know I could just say imperfect but it's not as cool ya know?)

Because you know what? It's okay. You're okay. You're MORE than okay. Your house is a mess and you don't want to clean? You've already fallen off of the exercise every day and just eat lettuce wagon? Did your voice get a little too LOUD with your kids today? Do you have a million little guilt trips going through your brain at the end of the day so you can't even sleep at night?

Yeah? Me too. And you know what, it's okay. Because I am loved no matter what.

And you know what? So are you.

And that's what I want you to feel here.

If only they knew...

I've thought many times that I wish I could show my children how much I love them. You know, just sort of take that love right out from inside me and put it inside them so that they'd really know. I imagine our Heavenly Father feels the same, times a million.

Back in July I was called as 2nd counselor in Young Women's. For those that may not know it is a program in our church geared towards the young women ages 12-18. We meet together for one hour during church and at least once a week during the week. I am personally over the 12-14 year old girls who I teach every other week and work with on a regular basis. I can honestly say that I have come to love these girls like they are my own children. Actually, not really like children as much as maybe younger sisters. I look at each of them and just see this light from within. I love to see their differences, and I can tell you in all honesty that they are each beautiful, inside and out. When I see them do something good or achieve something I am just beaming inside. And when I see one of them hurting or struggling I just ache inside for them and want to take them in my arms and make it all okay.

I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of what motherhood will be like when my children are older and making their own decisions. There is this inner ache and yearning because all you want truly and completely is for them to be happy. But you can't make them. You can't make them love you. You can't make them want to be there. You can't make them believe. You know that they will be stronger to just let them learn and grow on their own, at their own time and their own pace. But it just tears you up inside to see them hurting.

I don't know how our Heavenly Father did it. I don't know how He watched His Only Begotten Son kneel down in the Garden of Gethsemane and bleed from every pore as He felt each sin, sorrow, weakness, sadness, pain, and trial of each person that has ever lived or ever will live on this earth. And yet He did. And because He did I know that I can live with my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ again.

So while I try in my own weak human way to reach out to these girls and show them I love them, I am glad that I get at least a glimpse of what my Heavenly Father feels for me, and for those girls, and for every person on this earth. Knowing that, how can we not love?

My heart is full to bursting

I don't even know where to start. So many things have happened in the last month that I can't even find the words. My heart is full, my eyes are filled with tears that don't ever seem to stop. There have been a million moments that I have been convinced that it just can't get any better.

And then it does.

Today was a wonderful day at church. After a morning of waking up late, rushing, yelling at my kids and dashing out the door to get to church on time while still arriving in a completely packed building during the opening song while carrying a baby and a million bags on one shoulder and hitching up my skirt with the other I didn't have high hopes. But the sweet music and calm spirit sunk in. Eventually.

This has been a month of blessing after blessing after blessing. And of course the ones that matter most are my Savior, Jesus Christ, love, family, being together, seeing my oldest son baptized by his father and knowing it was a moment I would never, ever forget. Those are the gifts that sink in deepest, that mean the most, and that are completely irreplaceable. But I also want to talk about some physical gifts we received that have left me completely humbled.

I have been blessed with winning many giveaways and also some gifts from the person who had me in the stocking swap and I will tell more about these later but I want to talk about what a family in our community did for us. I will never understand how they chose us or why we deserve to be loved so much but our lives are changed by the love and kindness of this family.

The Friday before Christmas we had some family here in preparation for the baptism on Saturday when the doorbell rang. A lady we didn't know asked us if she had the right house and then handed us a cute bag with adorable stuffed gingerbread men inside. We were like, wow, sweet, and put them out as decorations. Then about 10 minutes later we get another doorbell ring and we open the door to an overflowing porch. There were 20 presents, a turkey, tons of food, and a popcorn tin with microwave popcorn and candy and a $20 gift certificate to a local video store. Taped to the popcorn tin was this note:

"Please accept these gifts on behalf of our son Brennan. Brennan has gone back to our Heavenly Father and is no doubt doing great and marvelous work in heaven. Brennan was an angel sent to us as a blessing and is now a very special angel to our family. He is a kind and generous spirit who loves to give to others and share his love.

Our family wants to help Brennan continue spreading joy here on earth. These gifts come from our hearts to yours with love in hopes of a very Merry Christmas. Don't open til Christmas!"

And it had twelve signatures on it that I will not include here for their privacy. I can't even write that without crying.

We had family here from the day that we received it until today and we decided to put those gifts aside to open after everyone had left so that our kids wouldn't have a lot more presents than their cousins. So today after church we sat down and opened our gifts from this wonderful family. All of my boys got some great presents, some really nice clothes, toys and soft snuggly blankets. After they opened their gifts we opened the family gifts together and our jaws dropped down to the ground and then we all jumped up and were yelling and crying. They had given us something we had wanted for Christmas but knew we'd have to save up for for a few years. A Wii!!!! We are still in shock and looking at each other and saying no way. We are so excited to play it together as a family.

So thank you to that sweet family who chose to pass on the love and joy after an experience that must have left them heartbroken.

And we are determined that in some way and at some point in time, we will find a way to pay it forward.

That's why I say thanks every day

I thank God for the trees, for the air that I breathe.

For my sweet children four, for the mess upon the floor.

For the house where we live, for my ability to give.

That's why I say thanks every day.

I thank God that I'm free, and for electricity.

For my husband so sweet, for my hands and for my feet.

For the laundry to do because it means that I'm loved too.

That's why I say thanks every day.

I thank God for my friends and for a love that never ends

For the rain, for the sky and our ability to fly.

For the gifts I've been giv'n for my hope to go to heav'n

That's why I say thanks every day.

I stole the basic tune and rhythm for this poem/song from a Veggie Tales song.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

The big bad blog

One of my favorite things to do is to read other people's blogs. I love the pictures, the wit, the stories, the humor, the baring of one's soul. Whenever I find a good blog I feel like I'm taking a peek into someone's diary or looking in their window at their happy little family life. (okay, not in a creepy stalker way, I'm not like that) Waa ha ha! (enter spooky count dracula voice) Okay, seriously, one thing I noticed tonight is that doing this is not always good for the bloggers soul. At least not this bloggers soul. But then it is too. Have I made myself clear? Waa ha ha!

Okay, I must be tired or nuts or both or finally learning to let my guard down and let the words drip out of my fingers. I have always loved to read. I have always wanted to be a writer. Have I done anything towards that goal except for read way too many books? Nope. Do I really think I can be a writer? Nope. Well, at least not after reading all of these amazing blogs. Okay, weird. I read lots of books. Does that make me feel like I can't be a writer? Nope. But reading blogs does??? Wazzup widat?

I'm surfing around and these little words are running around my head....wow, how clever, wish I'd thought of that......man, I always thought I was at least moderately creative but.....where does she come up with this stuff?...... I know, boohoo poor me, I am not the wittiest most creative and amazing blogger in the bloggy universe! Not that I honestly ever thought I was. (I know that another blog giveaway this book is sooo wonderful...... is engaging prose) but anyway, where am I going with this? Hmmm..... umm......Oh yeah! People are amazing!!! Lately I have been thinking a lot about the people in my life and how amazing they are. Each person I come into contact with wether IRL or in the webby universe are so unique and special and just darn stinkin incredible!

Why do I suddenly have this love for mankind after my pessimistic post a couple days ago? Dunno, maybe it was going to church today and hearing some things I needed to hear. Maybe it's the fact that life moves on and we make the best of it. Maybe it's the fact that I am realizing that I am blessed beyond measure and that I need to change my pessimistic ways. All I know is that blog surfing tonight has settled my soul and filled my heart with a love for mankind. Tra la la la la........

Convinced I'm crazy yet?