I was feeling okay. Until I had THREE people unsubscribe today. *Edited to add: I did not lose FOLLOWERS, I lost email subscribers. Which means they had to purposely go and unsubscribe from me. * What is up with that?! I can't deal with that right now. I want to not have subscribers just so nobody can unsubscribe and send me into the throes of sadness and self pity. I know, ridiculous.
You know that I try to stay upbeat and positive, right? I really try. But the last few days have been so, so hard for me. I am able to see my blessings, yes, but I have been spending the majority of my time trying to stay upbeat, and I'll admit, generally failing miserably.
And it's not just the job thing. It's like I was hanging by a few threads before and now there's just one really thin thread left. And I swear one minute I'm okay and the next I'm ready to pull out my hair and start banging my head against the wall. I think I'm a good person. I am a reasonably sane person. I would honestly do anything for anyone if it would help them. I love my children. I have a testimony. I know who I am, where I came from, where I am going. I know that I will be with my family forever.
So why on earth can I not. get. it. right?? Why can't I get things together? Why can't I do all of the things I know I should? Why can't I have a day like The Happy Housewife instead of reading her post and getting an even stronger impulse for head bangage? (yes, yes, not a word)
I don't want to read a post like that. I want to read about people who are as imperfect as I am. Yes, I'll admit it, I want to be justified in my unperfectness. (another non word, you know this already) But I am glad that she has figured out what works for her, I DO want people to be happy. I just don't understand why I seem to be so......lacking.
And my wonderful readers, you don't even have to say anything for me to know what you'll say. I know in my head that I do a lot, and that I'm a good mom and a good person. I just don't seem to believe it all the time. So here's the thing. I am happy. And last week, I was happy. Being that perfect person I can only see in distant dreams is not the key to happiness. But I have this dumb problem with blaming myself when something goes wrong. It's illogical, especially in this case. But I still can't shake it any more than I can this cold.
So you, if you're reading this, can you do me a favor? Please? I know that you'll read this and you'll want to reassure me, and I love you for that. But in your comments on this post can you tell me instead what made you smile this week? Can you tell me something good that happened to you? Can you tell me what makes you happy to be alive? That's what I need to hear.
Oh, and please, if you don't mind, could you not unsubscribe? Or subscribe if you haven't yet?
Caution! Sharp curve ahead...
2 months ago