Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm starting to wonder if this is just one more way for me to feel bad about myself.

I was feeling okay. Until I had THREE people unsubscribe today. *Edited to add: I did not lose FOLLOWERS, I lost email subscribers. Which means they had to purposely go and unsubscribe from me. * What is up with that?! I can't deal with that right now. I want to not have subscribers just so nobody can unsubscribe and send me into the throes of sadness and self pity. I know, ridiculous.

You know that I try to stay upbeat and positive, right? I really try. But the last few days have been so, so hard for me. I am able to see my blessings, yes, but I have been spending the majority of my time trying to stay upbeat, and I'll admit, generally failing miserably.

And it's not just the job thing. It's like I was hanging by a few threads before and now there's just one really thin thread left. And I swear one minute I'm okay and the next I'm ready to pull out my hair and start banging my head against the wall. I think I'm a good person. I am a reasonably sane person. I would honestly do anything for anyone if it would help them. I love my children. I have a testimony. I know who I am, where I came from, where I am going. I know that I will be with my family forever.

So why on earth can I not. get. it. right?? Why can't I get things together? Why can't I do all of the things I know I should? Why can't I have a day like The Happy Housewife instead of reading her post and getting an even stronger impulse for head bangage? (yes, yes, not a word)
I don't want to read a post like that. I want to read about people who are as imperfect as I am. Yes, I'll admit it, I want to be justified in my unperfectness. (another non word, you know this already) But I am glad that she has figured out what works for her, I DO want people to be happy. I just don't understand why I seem to be so......lacking.

And my wonderful readers, you don't even have to say anything for me to know what you'll say. I know in my head that I do a lot, and that I'm a good mom and a good person. I just don't seem to believe it all the time. So here's the thing. I am happy. And last week, I was happy. Being that perfect person I can only see in distant dreams is not the key to happiness. But I have this dumb problem with blaming myself when something goes wrong. It's illogical, especially in this case. But I still can't shake it any more than I can this cold.

So you, if you're reading this, can you do me a favor? Please? I know that you'll read this and you'll want to reassure me, and I love you for that. But in your comments on this post can you tell me instead what made you smile this week? Can you tell me something good that happened to you? Can you tell me what makes you happy to be alive? That's what I need to hear.

Oh, and please, if you don't mind, could you not unsubscribe? Or subscribe if you haven't yet?

Thanks.

26 comments:

  1. Hey - don't forget that it may not be them unsubbing! When Blogger switched over to the Friends/Followers thing, it automatically switched anybody with a "private" Friend Connect profile to a "private" Follower - which made people look like they unsubbed when they actually just went private. I bet you didn't lose subscribers. Maybe they just went private???

    As for happiness - the kids and I watched The King and I tonight. (Always good for a cry -who wants to watch Yul Brynner die? Well, to see him be The King, ya gotta. Where was I?) Oh yeah... so anyway.... everytime they would sing Winky would "sing" with them. AHAHAHAHAAAAAAA in his little 20 month old voice. :-) And get this: when Anna and the King started to dance ... he actually got up and asked me to dance around with him, with them. How flipping awesome is that?

    I know life sucks sometimes. And it sucks that sometimes life sucks. But go snuggle your babies. And hug your hubby. Think of it this way - they are there for you to snuggle and that's just awesome.

    And you're not OctoMom.... so that automatically makes you much less to blame for ANYTHING. *wink*

    Many cyber-huggggggggggggs.

    PS If you just HAPPENED to email me your mailing addy, there might just HAPPEN to be a little box o' treats that might just HAPPEN to be sent out to you from somebody who lives in another country who just HAPPENED to be thinking of you this afternoon when she mailed a package to a mutual friend of ours. I mean, uh, somebody you and her know. I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin. Who doesn't like mail - well, when it's not bills. LOL

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  2. I hear ya, babe! The loss of followers sinks me into depression and anxiety! LOL! I know it is ridiculous and I know half of them are there because I totally bribe them with giveaways, but, I'm also honest with myself and I know that that number makes me happy. I love seeing those tiny faces in my sidebar reminding me that SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE is actually READING my blog. I anxiously await comments throughout the day. I'm really sorry you lost a couple. They probably weren't worthy of your fantastic blogginess anyway, so just keep that in mind. I mean, really...if they didn't want to stick around they obviously just don't 'get it.' That's my thought, anyway! LOL! Keep up the good work. We are still here...your loyal readers...so don't get to down on yourself! Enjoy your day and lavish in each and every comment.

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  3. Awww...I am sorry people unsubscribed. :( If it makes you feel any better, I am a new follower and love your blog!

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  4. I have been where you are. Ok, minus the twins of course, but I have experienced what you are going through in so many ways. Good luck, This week one of the things that made me smile was not having to work yesterday or today. Sometimes you have to look for the little things. :o)

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  5. If it makes you feel any better, I am doing a birthday giveaway on my blog (see post Today is someone's Birthday) and it is a surprise prize. I have only had 3 ppl enter. I am clearly a failure at blogging. :(
    On another note, something that made me smile this week was getting a call from a fried to see how my bday was. And the bday medley of song's my mom-in-law sang to me on my birthday. It always makes me dance around and feel special.

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  6. Here's something that made me smile this week: It's kind of TMI, but hopefully we're all women who understand! LOL My 3 year old son wanted me to carry him downstairs. I hugged him and told him how much I love him. His response: "So is that why you bleed for me, Mommy?"

    He had walked in on me, um, changing in the bathroom, and asked me why I was bleeding. I told him that mommies bleed so that their bodies can make babies (that's enough for a 3 year old). Cute ho he translated that info.

    Motherhood, womanhood, etc is tough work. I had a period of bad discouragement recently, and it was amazing how the Lord blessed me during that time and helped me to see all of my blessings.

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  7. My Jonah is 2 years old and is just now learning how to talk (okay okay - we're just now learning how to understand him). If I don't answer right away to "Mom" he will say my name, "Don", and he does the same to his father. This little man makes me smile every day.

    Chin up! I love you!

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  8. I just wandered over from Mormon Mommy Blogs. Love your blog!

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  9. I totally wrote about this same thing in December (I don't think we were reading each other's blogs back then.) Here is the link:
    http://ifyougiveamomamoment.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-kinda-feel-like-im-in-high-school.html

    After writing the post, and reading all of the comments from people, I realized I am looking at the whole thing wrong. It IS a popularity contest, and I DO take it personally when someone unsubscribes. I promptly moved my followers thing to the bottom of the page, for two reasons. One, so I wouldn't have to see it every time I came to my blog, and two, so the only people who subscribe to me now are people who actually go through my entire blog, get to the bottom, and like what they see enough to want to follow me. I still get a little "ping" to my conscience when someone unsubscribes, but I remind myself that it's not me. Something in them changed. And I'm okay again.

    Let's see: something that made me smile. In the middle of the night, my three year old woke up crying. I went in to see what he needed, and he said, "I just need a hug." Awwww!

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  10. I understand what you mean when you want read about other people's imperfections. I know that it helps me feel like I am not a failure and that if they can make it through it that so can I.
    The thing that made me smile is when my 2 year old came and gave me a hug and kiss for no reason. It is funny how kids can be your biggest trial and your greates joy.
    Good luck with everything.

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  11. Watching baby V take some steps has made me smile this week.

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  12. I jumped over from Mormon Mommy Blogs and your post made me smile because I have been there so often and I LOVED your idea of finding joy in others lives to bring a little joy to yours....

    But - this made me laugh! My daughter (who is 21 and getting married in three months) called me this morning in tears because she is getting a B in Beginning Ballet. How can you not laugh at that? She was a 3-year old ballet drop-out who, once upon a time, asked her mommy if she could take ballet because she wanted to wear a tutu. I love that my daughter still needs love from me and that I am able to still wipe her tears away and help her find her smile again.

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  13. To begin with, I am dictating this message on a voice recognition system. I am so happy I finally found a program to help me blog. I also finished a scarf that I have been knitting for six months now. Every day, is a huge battle for me. To think about it, makes me cry. Trust me, it takes a lot of will and faith in god to get me through each day. Do you know how many friends I lost when I got sick? Do you know how many people in my family had deserted me since I got sick? I am a huge failure in a lot of people's minds. Why? Because, I can no longer work, or meet the needs of a everybody who expects something from me. But, god has blessed me with very few people that make up for all the people that have abandoned me. I have my husband, who never complains about having to do the household chores or making the meals. He tells me,that his life would not be complete unless he had somebody he could take care of. But somehow I still felt so guilty. So inadequate. Why, when I have tried so hard to help and take care of other people, do people abandon me? I will dwell on this every now and then. Then, I will count my blessings just like you do. I will look at all I have been able to accomplish in the past few months. And I will be thankful that I am at least able to do that, when others can't. I am thankful that we were able to buy a house, when I was not able to work. I am thankful, that we are better off financially than we were when I was working. even though we don't make the money we used to make, we take care of our money, and make wise decisions. It was very hard. But I believe we were blessed and that the good lord brought us what we needed at the right time. Yes, every day is a battle! But like you said we have to look at the good and not that bad. The people that stick with you through the good and bad are the people you want in your life. HA HA HA, now that I'm dictating I can write even longer blogs. Bad for you, good for me! I am sending prayer, and good vibes your way.

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  14. If it's the feedburner subscribers, you need to go into your account and uncheck the box that notifies you when people unsubscribe! Then voila, people do what they want and you never have to look at it. I have no idea how many people subscribe to my feeds or unsubscribe, but, on the other hand, I DO know how many followers my blog has since google puts that right on your dashboard page.

    Anyway, here's what made me smile--Kira singing along with her scooby doo video. Silly. And doing my mountain man presentation at the jr high this morning--yeah, first hour, don't know how I made it there dressed . . . :) And that poem you sent--hilarious! And our parent/teacher conference--Gavin's teacher said he had to stay in from recess to finish his work and he got mad and slamming his fist on his desk yelled "This is a big fat waste of my time! Who invented School???" Same story we get at home-- had to laugh. Ah well, what can you do? Oh yeah, and I finally hit 290 last night at archery (been in the high 280's all season, and last night was the last night (got that?)). NOT my messy house or sink of dishes or bank account, those do NOT make me smile ;) I guess that's it for now. Kind of lame, but that's all that's been going on.

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  15. Thank you for all the smiles! I love all of you!!!!

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  16. Hello I just found your blog from mormon mommy blog and you rock!! Not that I am laughing at your sadness but I feel the same way a lot (I only have one follower- my husband!!) I take everything to heart so I am workin on my emotional imperfectioness! As for happiness, I am just happy to be me with my family, my friends, my testimony, my books, my crafts and my high speed internet! Thanks!

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  17. And that right there is why I don't have that followers gadget. Because if I lose one, the world doesn't have to know. (Even though I do ...)

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  18. WOW! WOW! WOW! 17 comments before I'll add mine to make it 18. I have never gotten 18 comments before. Let's see what makes me happy---
    Or what has made me smile this past week---
    My children playing together.
    Lydia's chocolate face. See Maggie's b-day pictures
    My birthday. It's tomorrow Would ya believe?
    Chocolate.
    The fact that I have a REAL life not just a CYBER life, Cause although the computer is fun, Real LIVE friends are where it is at.
    And last but not least My husband. He tries so hard to make me happy and he does a wonderful job at it. (Even though sometimes I get grouchy, he still loves me.)
    Hang in there. If it makes you feel any better I have like 4 followers. And as to email subscribers I signed up to recieve your blog notificATION EMAIL and still have not recieved it email.
    MAybe its broken for me?

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  19. Things that made me smile: Lunch with old friends, my son, my husband, my grandma, my dog!

    You know I subscribe and you know that I love your blog. You are fun and interesting!

    {{The Mom Nerd}}

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  20. Sounds like you need your hair done! lol That always chears me up, plus going to get your hair done is like going to a therapist sometimes and I just listen while people get everything off their chest! lol
    Well thanks for checking out my sister, Shauna, on my blog! I thought I would check out your blog and respond. You are one crazy blogger, aren't ya!? I've never seen one so organized and good! Way to go!
    To answer your question on my blog, There are A TON of cuts you can do that add more fullness and texture to the hair! In her photos I didnt even have to use any root lifter or products! I can't promise that isnt the case for everyone though :).
    I do own a salon in my house. I just had a baby a few months ago and I wanted to stay home as much as possible with him, so I quit the salon I was working at and moved all my clients with me. I love it! I don't have any specific days or hours at the moment, so if you'd like your hair done, let me know what works best for you. If you like days or evenings better, and what day of the week. My number if you'd like to call is 801-647-8543. Thanks again for your comment!

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  21. I've been right where you are, and you already know, things will get better!
    What made me smile this week was taking goofy pictures with my kiddos. I have one where my son was trying to rip my mouth off, then my nose, and a finger in my eyebasket (yes I make up words too)! I have a cute one of where my daughter was really mad and I took a picture, and she cracked up laughing! I took one that shows how much my daughter looks like me, I was was giddy over that one and had to post it for my wordless wednesday pic.
    Also, I picked up my niece and nephew from school today and my niece knows I love corny stupid jokes, she told me this one the other day: What goes white, black, white, black? Its a penguin rolling down a hill! (Im super easily amused and laughed like crazy!) So today she says, What goes White, Red, Black, white, red, black? It a penguin with a SUNBURN rolling down a hill! I felt so silly laughing my butt off! lol! You might just have to be eaisly amused like me!
    Something good that happened? I got all my laundry done. lol!

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  22. I'm a subscriber, but I don't know if I have ever commented before. And a few weeks ago, my laptop died, NOT COOL. But today, the new one came and it's beautiful. So I think this new laptop is definitely the highlight of my week!!! Keep your head up (chin up?) :)

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  23. I am where you are at in every sense-twins, money, other kids everything. My highlight is reading your blog and knowing I am not so different or alone. So thanks for all your troubles-I think God sent you to me so I would learn to quit with my self pity. I don't know you but you are a blessing. Thanks!

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  24. aprilheuer@hotmail.comFriday, March 27, 2009 6:29:00 AM

    Ok I posted the above comment but it decided to log me in as my husband-this computer has a mind all it's own!!!

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  25. If I unsubscribe its only because I am changing email addresses. I'm not leaving your blog! You were the one who helped me figure out how to number my comments and for that I am forever grateful.
    I know what you mean when someone unsubs or unfollows. Seems like it happens to me everyday and I try to not to take it personally but its hard.

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  26. hugsss. I've had readers of my blog unsub from time to time as well. Be the strong tree despite the wind around you.

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