I have tried and tried, my entire life, to get over this. But the honest to goodness truth is that I do want to please everyone.
I want everyone to be happy.
I want to help make everyone happy.
I want people to like me.
And if they don't, and if they are not happy, against all reason sometimes I feel like it's my fault.
Granted, there are things I should feel guilty about. People I've let down. Bad choices I've made. And I do believe in repentance, I'm not holding on to things in the past.
But every. single. day. I find new things to feel guilty about.
I'm good at it.
I feel guilty for not spending more time with my children, and my husband.
I feel guilty for never being caught up on the laundry.
I feel guilty that I don't have any CO2 Fire Extinguishers. (Random, I know, but I had to get that in there and I actually do. I should have one for my preschool.)
The guilt wears on me when I think of the people I've let down, especially lately.
I feel guilty for not being a better sister, and daughter.
I should love more. I should care more. I should help more.
You should try it sometime, say something, even if it's a bit on the sly, geared towards making me feel guilty about something. And it will work.
Yesterday my dear friend and neighbor fell and broke her leg. She went through knee surgery last year, major surgery just a few months ago, and now this. She has spent the better part of two years on crutches.
And get this. She was planning a trip to go back East and see her Mom. She was supposed to leave early this morning. I had this thought, a few days ago, that I should go over and help her get ready for her trip. I thought that I could help her clean up a bit, pack, watch the kids, whatever.
But I was too busy.
So she slipped. On an Uno card. On the floor.
That was all it took.
Maybe if I had gone to help I would have picked up that card. Maybe I was meant to.
But I didn't.
I know it's not really my fault.
But dang, how I wish it would have been me instead.
And I wonder if that is how our Savior feels sometimes.
Except he did take it on himself.
So maybe, just maybe.
I can let him take some of this guilt from me.