White as Snow

I'm feeling very, well, lost and out of sorts today.  I feel like I don't even belong in my own skin.  And this is different than my usual woe is me complaining to anyone who will listen syndrome.  It's something else.  

There's this hollow ache in my chest.  It's something I don't really know how to explain, and something very personal.  But it is something that has been wearing my spirit down for quite some time now.  Thing is, I didn't realize just how much until last night.  

I am just now starting to realize how much this has affected me for quite some time now.  See, the thing is, I made a mistake.  It was gradual, over time, it snuck up on me, until one day I was to the point where it turned into an actual sin.  It was an inward sin, not an outward sin, and I know I'm being so mysterious and I promise it's nothing horrible.  It's just personal, and something I can't share.  

The reality is, though, that I'm at a point now where I cannot live another day without the blessing of the Atonement.  The first thing I had to do was realize it was a sin, something that I needed to be forgiven for.  I have been praying about this for a long time, but until last night I wasn't praying like I should have been.  

I believe in the Atonement.  I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, really did suffer and die for me. He felt the confusion, pain and guilt that I am feeling now, for me.  And the reason He suffered it?  Well, simply to give me the opportunity to be free of my mistake, to be free of my sin.  Because unless I am, I have no chance of being with Him, and my Heavenly Father, again.  

The amount of love that act would take is incredibly humbling and also hard to understand or believe.  How is it possible that He could love me that much?  

I am brought to my knees with the thought that He did and does love me that much.  It gives me hope.  He is the only one who can bring me peace.  

To the world, my mistake would be laughable.   By the worlds standards I didn't do a thing wrong.  But in my eyes, and in His eyes, I know I did.  

Which is why I am grateful that I live the gospel, and that I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  So that I can know when things are wearing on me spiritually.

How thankful I am for Him, the only one who can fill that ache with love and peace. And make me whole again. 

I'm sorry to get so personal, but it helps clarify things for me when I write here.  And maybe one of you will read something you need to hear.  I can only hope.....