Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Maybe it's time to let you in.

I always had this vision in my mind about the kind of best friend I wanted. We would talk every day because we couldn't stand to go even a day without. We would paint each others toenails. She would seek out my company. All the time. Just because she wanted to. We'd share our secrets, and keep them too. Being together would be easy. Effortless. Comfortable.

I've found that kind of friend in Eldon. (Except maybe the toenail part. He doesn't look good in pink.) I've come very close with my Mom, and my sister, and Liz. There are girls in my life that I consider dear friends, and could not live without. But that ideal best friend that I built up in my mind as a young girl has always eluded me.

What I've realized through the years is that the reason why I've never had that kind of friendship is because of me. Whenever I start to get close, I push away. I really don't know why. I don't even know how I do it. I can't explain it. And it took me years to even realize what I was doing.

I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to pass that point. I don't know how to embrace instead of push, as subtle as it may be. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid they want me to push, or just to see if they'll let me. Maybe I'm waiting for the one who will pull me back. And make me stay.

Maybe I'm looking for too much in friendship. If you are my friend, I will give you the world if I can. I will share parts of me that you may not even want to see. If you call, I will be there. I will love you no matter what. I will always always see you as beautiful. Because in my eyes you really truly are, no matter what you think or say.

Maybe the problem is that I'm not the kind of friend to me, that I would be to you. And maybe that closeness will always be just out of reach until I can.

But that won't keep me from trying.

If you want me to.


  1. I'll be your friend. But I got issues of my own, and I'm not so good at calling or answering the phone. But I'm GOOD at making cookies. And if you lived closer I could give you a nap as a present. Because that's just how I roll.

  2. I don't think you want to get that close to my feet. You might REALLY run away! :)

  3. What a nice post. I understand everything you are saying. I think I am too afraid that the friendship I give won't be reciprocated (has happened) and I will get my feelings hurt.

    Keep trying and I will too

  4. I have heard it said that if you have even 3 really close true friends in life, you are fortunate.

    Some people seem to want 20 (twenty) or 30 or more friends. Those are people I call acquaintances.

    I am sure you will find your kindred spirits!

    allibrary (at) aol (dot) com

  5. My Sweet Sister! I'll always have your back. I promise. It's a start...

  6. I looked my whole life. Being a military brat, it was hard.

    You are so blessed, just have I have been blessed. It is the best feeling in the world.

    I use to try to push...a LOT, but, he kept coming back!

    Now if you ask me what it is that bugs me the most about him, darn it if I can remember what it is! It takes me a while to find one thing!

  7. I think you did find the best friend in Eldon and that is great. Nobody said it had to be a "girlfriend". Personally I think you are too hard on yourself. You are one of the greatest friends I have found and though you have moved away, I know I can always count on you no matter what. I'm a lot like you too about pushing, I think it might be a self preservation technique we have built in. We'll survive though, right? As long as we have our "best friend" that we married. :D

  8. Don't push me away k? Because I love having you around!!! And no, not just because you watch my little one. :o)


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