I always had this vision in my mind about the kind of best friend I wanted. We would talk every day because we couldn't stand to go even a day without. We would paint each others toenails. She would seek out my company. All the time. Just because she wanted to. We'd share our secrets, and keep them too. Being together would be easy. Effortless. Comfortable.
I've found that kind of friend in Eldon. (Except maybe the toenail part. He doesn't look good in pink.) I've come very close with my Mom, and my sister, and Liz. There are girls in my life that I consider dear friends, and could not live without. But that ideal best friend that I built up in my mind as a young girl has always eluded me.
What I've realized through the years is that the reason why I've never had that kind of friendship is because of me. Whenever I start to get close, I push away. I really don't know why. I don't even know how I do it. I can't explain it. And it took me years to even realize what I was doing.
I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to pass that point. I don't know how to embrace instead of push, as subtle as it may be. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid they want me to push, or just to see if they'll let me. Maybe I'm waiting for the one who will pull me back. And make me stay.
Maybe I'm looking for too much in friendship. If you are my friend, I will give you the world if I can. I will share parts of me that you may not even want to see. If you call, I will be there. I will love you no matter what. I will always always see you as beautiful. Because in my eyes you really truly are, no matter what you think or say.
Maybe the problem is that I'm not the kind of friend to me, that I would be to you. And maybe that closeness will always be just out of reach until I can.
But that won't keep me from trying.
If you want me to.
Caution! Sharp curve ahead...
2 months ago