Since I only had three comments on my last post which is also a CD giveaway, I figured nobody is really reading so now would be a good time to share a part of myself that I don't share often. Or easily. There have been times in the past where I have shared this with people, only to have them manage to turn it back against me or make me feel worse.
I am a statistic, especially in Utah. And I absolutely hate it. But the only way I can hold on to my sanity, even if just by a thread, is to believe with heart, mind and soul that what I have is not a weakness. Is not a sign of laziness or a lack of desire and effort. It is a sickness. My body is sick. It does not work how it should. And because of that I have to take medication.
I just emerged from the closet floor...where tears were running down my face. I heard the front door shut and went and looked out the window to see my five boys walking away. Searching for me. My fingernails dig into my skin because when I feel that physical pain, the inner pain goes away, at least a little. A pain that has no rhyme or reason.
For reasons I won't go into here I missed my medication for about a week. I did really well at first, and was even hoping this was a sign that I was ready to move on. I hate being dependent on medication. Of course, who wouldn't? I hate feeling guilty about it. I hate feeling judged for it. I hate that my mother-in-law thinks I could hurt my family. I hate the way my sickness affects my family, how their love and worry shine out from their eyes, but don't seem to break through the pain. But I never stop loving them. Only me.
Depression is one of those things that is so hard to explain. It's so personal. It has been such a hard battle, and one that I don't think I would have made it through even this far without Eldon and my Heavenly Father. The best way I can describe what I feel is that I want to just cease to exist. I don't want to die, I know what dying brings. But I just want an escape. But that's when it's at its worst.
It started after my first baby. I just couldn't figure out what happened to the happy girl that I always was, without even trying. I was always an optimist, and I woke up looking forward to each new day. And suddenly I wasn't. I won't go into all the details but it was like I was on a little raft out in the middle of the ocean with no way to go anywhere. And oh, going down looked so tempting. The thing that frustrates me the most is that when I was depressed, people would tell me to just get up and get moving. Open the windows, go for a walk, get some fresh air, just start with one little thing and it will get better. But here's the thing....call me lazy and selfish, but I could. not. do. it. I couldn't. I couldn't cope with the littlest of things. Oh, I could tell you stories.....
But this is already too long. I don't even have anywhere I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to get it out. And if you have or have ever had the sickness called depression.....you're not alone. And you ARE a good person. And don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
*I appreciate your comments so much. I do feel so much better. Thanks for the love!
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