Saturday, October 17, 2009

I guess now is as good a time as any...

Since I only had three comments on my last post which is also a CD giveaway, I figured nobody is really reading so now would be a good time to share a part of myself that I don't share often. Or easily. There have been times in the past where I have shared this with people, only to have them manage to turn it back against me or make me feel worse.

I am a statistic, especially in Utah. And I absolutely hate it. But the only way I can hold on to my sanity, even if just by a thread, is to believe with heart, mind and soul that what I have is not a weakness. Is not a sign of laziness or a lack of desire and effort. It is a sickness. My body is sick. It does not work how it should. And because of that I have to take medication.

I just emerged from the closet floor...where tears were running down my face. I heard the front door shut and went and looked out the window to see my five boys walking away. Searching for me. My fingernails dig into my skin because when I feel that physical pain, the inner pain goes away, at least a little. A pain that has no rhyme or reason.

For reasons I won't go into here I missed my medication for about a week. I did really well at first, and was even hoping this was a sign that I was ready to move on. I hate being dependent on medication. Of course, who wouldn't? I hate feeling guilty about it. I hate feeling judged for it. I hate that my mother-in-law thinks I could hurt my family. I hate the way my sickness affects my family, how their love and worry shine out from their eyes, but don't seem to break through the pain. But I never stop loving them. Only me.

Depression is one of those things that is so hard to explain. It's so personal. It has been such a hard battle, and one that I don't think I would have made it through even this far without Eldon and my Heavenly Father. The best way I can describe what I feel is that I want to just cease to exist. I don't want to die, I know what dying brings. But I just want an escape. But that's when it's at its worst.

It started after my first baby. I just couldn't figure out what happened to the happy girl that I always was, without even trying. I was always an optimist, and I woke up looking forward to each new day. And suddenly I wasn't. I won't go into all the details but it was like I was on a little raft out in the middle of the ocean with no way to go anywhere. And oh, going down looked so tempting. The thing that frustrates me the most is that when I was depressed, people would tell me to just get up and get moving. Open the windows, go for a walk, get some fresh air, just start with one little thing and it will get better. But here's the thing....call me lazy and selfish, but I could. not. do. it. I couldn't. I couldn't cope with the littlest of things. Oh, I could tell you stories.....

But this is already too long. I don't even have anywhere I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to get it out. And if you have or have ever had the sickness called depression.....you're not alone. And you ARE a good person. And don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

*I appreciate your comments so much. I do feel so much better. Thanks for the love!

31 comments:

  1. Depression is not something that can be cured by opening the windows or going for a walk. Depression is a serious illness. It is NOT something that is in your head, as some people tend to think. It is not a get up and get over it thing. I have been there before and I am there again. The first time around my Hubby thought the same thing that other people were saying, "Oh, just grow up and quit playing games." Well, now it is completely different story, he understands it a lot better and backs me up on it. You should not feel that you are dependent on your meds. If that is what gets you from one day to another day, then stick with them. You were probably doing good when you first went off them because it takes a little while for them to get out of your body. Keep you head up and look up at the stars and be thankful for everyday you make it through. And when have women really needed the opinions of others to make their own decisions. You know the old saying "Opinions are like *ssholes. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks." lol

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  2. I wish I could give you a hug. hugs pretty much cure nothing, and allow me to clarify- I am NOT a hugger. But really... My heart is sad for you. I have no magic words or wisdom. Just a reassuring hug and that cliche' of a truth based phrase: you aren't alone...

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  3. Sharla
    I am so sorry, I hope you feel better soon.. Know you are loved..

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  4. I AM SO GLAD I sent you my goodies this week! You have been on mind ALOT lately and you have been in my prayers. You are a lovely woman with MANY wonderful qualities. Depression runs in my family, EVERYONE but me takes medication for it. (I guess I am just waiting in line for my turn. So far so good though. WHEW!) Anyway hubby suffers from Depression so I KNOW ALL about it. It's stinks. But I love him and will support him in all he tries to do. He is on medication now, he is doing better. MY MIL(mother in law) told me she skipped her medication for a week(insurance difficulty) AND she was a mess! Anyway, whenever you get lonely just know you are loved first and foremost by a father in heaven, then Eldon, then ME. You are awesome. I am very grateful for our friendship. I just wished we lived closer. Blasted Mesquite! :)

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  5. I am sorry. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

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  6. Sharla, thanks so much for sharing! It always helps to know that you are not alone in your suffering and one of Satan's number one tools is to make us feel as though we are isolated in our trials and no one can help.
    You are loved and appreciated; there are so many with similar issues and it usually does help to get things out there and share in the support of others! Best of luck!

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  7. Thank you for you blog & your story. I want you to know that I read your blogs but I don't normally comment. (who cares what I have to say right?)Lately (the last year or longer) I have been "depressed" I think?! I am having a hard time figuring out what to do about it. I would love to be myself again. I just have no desire to "get out" like everyone says. I want to do it I just don't do it, don't know if that makes sense to anyone. Anyways, I could ramble forever. I just thought now was my time to say Thank you for not making me feel so alone *tears streaming down my face *

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  8. I am a hugger and will send you an on-line hug. Here it is ( )! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always!

    Nancy
    allibrary (at) aol (dot) com

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  9. I battled depression for a couple of years, but seem to be doing much better. I got to where I just wanted to "cease to exist" as well. I am so sorry that you struggle with this. Just know you aren't alone. ((HUGS))

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  10. *Hugs* I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and we do care. I wish I had the magic fix-it make everything better pill, but so far it eludes me.

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  11. Thank you for sharing your story. I have struggled with depression myself since my teenage years and it is always good to hear from someone else who shares the same experiences that you do. We are not alone :)

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  12. I know it took courage to share that with us. So many people suffer from depression at one point or another in their lifetime. For some it just takes longer to overcome. For some it's hormonal and medication often helps. I tend to get seasonal depression in the winter because I don't get enough light so I look for ways to overcome that. I'll remember you in my prayers.

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  13. {{hugs}} I didn't comment on the other post because I didn't get a chance to read it yet - but this sure caught my eye. {{hugs}}

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  14. I know of course what you are going through but I think recently is the first time I realized that it really is a physical illness. A doctor couldn't convince me, a counselor couldn't convince me, you couldn't convince me, mom couldn't convince me. I always assumed that what was happening really always came down to being my fault and my choice. What convinced me was what happened recently. I met with the bishop after my "episode" and a family member told me that what happened might be because of immaturity or because I am selfish and want the attention. I went to the bishop expecting him to also recommend that I see a counselor to make sure that what Is wrong is actually physical and not something I am doing. When I was there the spirit told me and the bishop that counseling is not the answer. That Heavenly Father knew what I was going through and that my only mistake in the situation was letting my medication run out. Only Heavenly Father could convince me that the reason I did what I did wasn't because of selfishness or immaturity or even lack of understanding of the gospel but was purely because of a physical illness that I have. I think this is the first time that I truly believe that that is why I have done anything to hurt myself. I hope others can also understand the people around them who have depression.

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  15. Wow, that must have been hard to do. Sharing really personal things is scary but it also can help people feel like they really know you. My mom's family suffers from severe depression and growing up I didn't understand my mom at all and why she had such horrible days for no reason (I thought). I would be scared of her when she was at her lowest and she never bothered to help us understand what she was going through.

    I wouldn't be discouraged by low entry on a giveaway or think no one is reading. I've had 2 giveaways on my blog and my highest so far is 25 entries. I know I have more readers than that but I guess some people don't like giveaways. Also, you definitely have to have good reading going on here because you have tons of followers and you actually get comments on every post. I'm wishing for that on my blog. I've begged for comments and people still just read and leave without saying as much as "hello".

    I hope you feel better soon. I don't know you but your blog looks great to me and I can see that it's an outlet for your everyday expressions and feelings. Blog because you love it!

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  16. You should feel no more guilty about needing medication for this medical condition than you would for any other medical condition. You wouldn't fell shame if you had migraines or low blood pressure. Besides, your personal medical condition isn't for others to judge.

    We are taught since we are little to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. The understanding is that we are loving ourselves with all of our heart.

    Must.
    Love.
    Self.

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  17. I care more about you than the giveaways. I'm too far away to give you a hug, but if I could, I'd pack you into my van and I would take somewhere, anywhere, so you could breathe.
    Depression doesn't put me in the closet but it does put me on autopilot for weeks at a time and meds don't help. Meds help some people and make it worse for other people. I'm glad they help you. Take them.

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  18. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I think you are a wonderful person and a great Mom. I love to see you with your kids, they have no doubt that you love them. Don't worry about taking medication, just keep taking it if it helps. Everyone has there own insecurities and problems so don't let anyone look down on you for getting help. I love you and I hope you are feeling better.

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  19. Oh sweetie, I am all too familiar with depression and it can be a daily struggle. And I know what you mean about the physical pain being better than the emotional pain.
    I love you and I'm hear for you if you EVER need to talk or get out or whatever... I'm sure we could swap stories.

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  20. I said a prayer for you today that God will heal your illness and give you the peace and happiness that you deserve. :-)

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  21. DEPRESSION IS SOMETHING I SUFFER FROM ALSO AND I KNOW THE PAIN. I WISH I HAD SOME MAGIC WORDS BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THERE AREN'T ANY. GLAD I FOUND YOUR BLOG- NOW I DON'T FEEL SO ALONE.

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  22. I have two daughters and a hubby that suffer from this disease. Two take meds, one doesn't...guess who won't?? hubby...MEN!!!

    One daughter was just diagnosed with Bi-Polar and is changing meds. Hopefully her hubby will stick with her long enough to get the meds to work... he is on the edge...

    I feel for you... I worry for my girls... I worry for my hubby...I hate autumn and winter...

    Stay on your meds... ask for samples if nothing else.

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  23. In response to HappyClimates remarks. I both empathize and understand the seriousness of this discussion. It takes a very brave, strong, and committed individual to work through this type of illness. I believe we cannot expect our bishops to be counselors, psychologists, or doctors. I agree that this is a real physical illness. That is why in many cases real doctors have to be involved. In many cases they help us identify triggers as discussed in some of the other comments, or prescribe the medication we need, or provide an unbiased, uninvolved third support system that does not have the same repercussions as sharing these things with our family and loved ones. Remember, we can have the promptings of the spirit, and the guidance of our Heavenly Father only after all we can do. And be careful of how you respond to family, they love you and care deeply for you, and remember, Bishops come and go, but Families are Forever.

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  24. I know its cliche' but depression hurts. I know this hurt all too well.

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  25. Wanting to keep to my lurky self, but I want you to know I'm in that same boat and I hate this dumb boat.

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  26. I have a very close friend who has suffered with depression and it is very serious. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you. I don't think you are lazy. I can tell for sure 100% that you love your family! Stay strong girl! I have faith that you will be OK!
    Love, Jenn

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  27. I don't want to be anonymous... Comment #7 is mine but my brain wouldn't function enough to help me sign in that day! Gotta love my brain right!? :) Smile Always

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  28. I am sorry I am so absorbed in my own troubles to not recognize your need for more help. I could have helped more had I seen it. I'm sorry. I love you too, you are amazing and taking medication for a chemical imbalance doesn't make you any less amazing. You truly are a hero. Keep doing what your are doing and keep taking your meds. I will be more in tune in the future, I promise.

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  29. Depression would hit like a wave. I could feel it coming on. People would say Take a walk in the sunlight, take up a hobby, turn on uplifting music - but my body would say I'm tired, I'm sad, I hate life. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either.

    I hated myself for how I felt, how I treated my family, how I looked. I thought that everyone's life would be better without me. I could not get up, I could not take a walk, I didn't want a stupid hobby - but what I could do was fake it fairly well in public.

    I went to counseling for 7 years (and I needed it) but I couldn't physically help myself until I started medication. I fought it, though. First of all, I didn't want to be like my mom and be dependent on meds. It seemed like I should be happy because I choose to be. And if the meds make me happy, than who is the real me? Am I an angry and sad person naturally? Why can't I just be happy?

    The turning point happened around 12 years ago when I was chatting with a wonderful young mother who shared her story of depression with me. She said she took medication. I realized then that there are "normal" people who struggle with this problem. Medication has made all the difference in my life. I can say that I am happy. Life is worth living. I feel good about myself. I am not ashamed.

    Thank you for sharing. I love you!

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  30. Wow, Please don't get me wrong here, but it is good to know I am not alone. Reading your post and all the comments. I know just how you feel. And I hate when people think that depression is something you can just "turn off" or "get over it". I have been depressed since 1999. I take medication. Does it help? I guess it does, I sure know when I am not taking it. Do I feel happy? I couldn't tell you the last time I felt happy. Like someone above, I am good at faking it too. I wish I could wake up one day and feel "good". I took off from work today hoping I would feel like cleaning my house. I have only been doing what I had to do. You know, laundry, dishes, cleaning the toilet. I dropped my son off at school went to Walmart and came home. Did I clean? NO! I have a guest room and I have just started putting stuff in there. I walked in there asked myself "what is all this crap" then walked out. I go through the motions. Everyday. I hate that I always end up fighting with my son. There is just so much to say but I don't want to go on and on. If you get a chance check out my entry at http://cjcmommy.blogspot.com/ on October 12th. Trust me, you are not alone. I hope you can bring yourself up some. I know it is hard. And really it isn't much fun to just exist. But we have to be here for our kids. If it takes one pill, 2 pills or whatever it takes to make you feel somewhat normal, go for it. People just don't understand. Thank you for sharing. Oh.. if you get a chance check out http://www.confessionsofamoodymommy.com/ she is going through the same thing. She was the one that made me decide to take the day off, she inspired me..but I didn't get anything done. You take care of yourself. If you need to talk to someone send me an email and I will help you any way I can.
    Thanks again for making me feel "not so alone".
    Charlene

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  31. Sharla, Thanks for sharing. I suffer from depression too, so don't feel alone. I take meds too, but they don't always help.

    Remember that it is a chemical imbalance. Tell others (like your M-I-L) that too. She should be supporting you, not questioning your motives or what you COULD do. That is just sad.

    I'm here to talk anytime, 'kay?

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