Searching for Home

*Soundtrack Sunday is best enjoyed listening to the music while you read the post*

My peeps, I cannot get out of this funk I'm in. And it's not a good funk. I go through these cycles in life where I just want to escape.

I just want to find home.

Now, over time I have become a real believer in being happy wherever you are, and whatever your situation. I'm really good at that in theory, not so much in practice.

We've moved a lot since we were married. Twelve times actually. In 11 years. Each time we move I really make an effort to get to know people, get involved, be friendly. But then little things start to hurt. Unintended slights I'm sure. But it becomes hard to not focus on those things. It's easier to feel separate. Alone. Unwanted.

If there is one thing I thrive on, more than any other, it's being needed. If I don't feel needed, wanted, and yes, even appreciated, I start to shut down.

I'm shutting down. No, I take that back. I've shut down.

And I know with crystal clear clarity, that it is all in my court. How I feel, how I react, is all up to me. I truly believe that people don't mean to hurt. But for me, it feels better to just stop trying, than to keep hurting.

Does any of this even make any sense? I know I'm physically and mentally out of whack right now. I have been since before my surgery. I know I sound depressed. I am. I'm on medication for it. I'm trying to find natural ways to help with it. But dude, I'm just not coping.

Well, let's put it this way. I'm barely coping. I'm surviving.

Honestly, I just want to go home. Or at least go somewhere that I can sleep for like 10 years or so......maybe then I'd feel better.